Life after winter.

For some reason today my head has been feeling really strange; it's not quite a migraine, but it's unpleasant anyway. So I had another laid-back morning and after "half-one" I walked into Dalkey and found a cafe that Carole had recommended. It was a cheerful little place, rather reminiscent of Allison's Country Cafe in Ventura. Almost a little TOO cheerful though, actually, with its pink tablecloths, blue polka-dotted china, white-washed wooden booths and birdhouses on shelves. I had a cup of Americano and a slice of apple tart (which was all very good but overpriced) and wrote postcards in a quiet corner of the cafe. That kept me busy for awhile, and then I started "The Wisdom of the Sands" (Saint-Exupery's last, and reputedly his best), and I was there for about 3 hours in all. I think my favorite part of the whole afternoon was that there was a flower-shop attached to the cafe, just outside the window I was next to. Old women kept coming and looking at the flowers, and they looked so happy to see life after winter.

Eventually I started feeling a bit too sick, though, and it was only getting colder and darker outside, so I headed home. Unlike most evenings (which I usually spend uploading pictures or writing emails or reading books), I stayed down with the family tonight. It's not that I don't like spending time with them in general - it's just that usually they all have things to do, and I don't want to be in the way. But it was nice just hanging out tonight. We watched a science program and then Aaron was playing with GoogleEarth, so I showed him where I live, and they all came over to see my house and the harbor. I have to say, I took a bit of pride in showing home off to them. At about 7:20, Carole told the boys that they had five minutes before bed-time, and she said that Mark could choose a game for them to play until then. He came out with a card game and started setting up. "Is it just you and me playing?" She asked him. "Yeah," he said. "Laura and I can play tomorrow."

I wasn't going to be offended if he didn't want to play with me... but the promise of playing tomorrow did make me happy. :)

The only other truly eventful thing about today happened just as Carole was putting the boys down to bed. I'd come up to write a few emails and I was on my way back down to make myself a cup of tea, and as I walked down the dark spiral-staircase to the second floor I could hear Carole's voice as she read a story to Mark. I was just aware of how stealthy I was being, when I stepped too far on a step and BAM! Fell down. I managed to catch the railing quickly so I didn't actually fall as hard as I could have, but it made a terrific bang and suddenly everything in the house sort of stopped, and I heard Carole gasp and say, "My goodness." in that truly horrified, yet quiet, way that mothers have when they're genuinely worried. I called out that I was fine, that I'd only slipped and wasn't hurt, got downstairs, and laughed at myself for five minutes.

In other news, I've started to miss having a routine. Not so much a routine, actually, as just feeling needed and feeling that I'm actually accomplishing something. I need goals. I was feeling a little glum about that yesterday. I especially get down about how much being out and about really makes me stressed; as much as I try to fight it, I've become forced to acknowledge the fact that I have a small but legitimate case of agoraphobia. Odd, and terrible, for someone who loves to travel. I loved Dublin City, for example, but a few times yesterday I just had to sit down some place in a park and hide out for awhile. I think that's why I felt like staying close to the house today; I'll just have to balance the day trips out. I wasn't sure if I'd feel brave enough to go back to the city tomorrow, but then last night I had a dream that I was home again after this trip. People kept asking me to tell them stories about where I'd gone and what I'd seen, and I kept saying, "Honestly I don't know WHAT I did for two months."

So I'm going to the city tomorrow. Because that is NOT going to happen.